You have probably heard me talk about values…on countless occasions. One might even think I get paid every time I say it, it’s that often. Why? Because our values are the underpinnings that anchor us to our internal motivations and can empower us to live a truly authentic life. By clarifying our values, we can strip away the external pressures, more easily challenge our shame narratives and negative self-talk, and move away from that urge to perform to be what we think others want.

What do you mean when you say “values”?

Your values are your “why” or the purpose, belief or cause that inspires and empowers you to do what you do in life. Simon Sinek talks a lot about the “Power of Why” in terms of leadership and professional growth and looks at how the “why” is more important than the “what” or “how” of the things a business does.

This is true for our personal lives as well. What motivates us is often more important to take note of than the action we take. For example, there are thousands of coaches and speakers out there — do you know they “why” that drives each and every one of them? Some are motivated by helping people, some enjoy the thrill of facing a fear, and some are motivated by money. Would that change your opinion if you were considering two speakers for an event and you found out one is motivated by money and one is motivated by educating and providing an opportunity for others? They might be equally good speakers AND, I bet this would change your opinion. Why? Because what drives people to do what they do tells us a lot about their character. This is true for us too.

And it is when we lose sight of that “why”, internalize the “whys” of others/societal norms or pretend it does not matter that we get swept up in the chaos of external motivation, ego, and shame.

How are they informed?

This is where it gets tricky. They are informed by BOTH the people around us and what we feel inside. When we are born, we don’t really know a lot about the world and it becomes the responsibility of our caregivers, peers, role models, etc to help us make sense of everything. They guide us to see “right” and “wrong”, “do” and “don’t” and hopefully, help us understand the domino effect of our choices and actions in creating a life we can be excited about.

However, as we grow older, independent thought, questioning and self-exploration create the opportunity for us to determine how those beliefs and values fit in our lives and what other pieces or ideas we want to consider or hold true. We begin to shift from external to internal motivation. Or, at least that is what our brains strive to do.

But the pull of “fitting in” and adhering to the rules and structures set before us is strong. Our brain has been trained to engage by succumbing - to value these things and to respond to thoughts, feelings and actions in a certain way. And if you come from a more collectivistic culture, independent thought and growth may be seen as disrespectful and has become such a deeply embedded belief, the idea of engaging in it is turned off before you are even conscious of it.

You go to church because you were told it is important. You dress a certain way or take certain classes because someone else told you to or it is what the people around you are doing. You ascribe labels of “happy” or “worthy” to those who appear or act a certain way all based on this culturally driven set of standards and beliefs. And you tell yourself that in order to be “happy” or “good enough” you have to meet these standards also. Before you know it, all of your choices become informed by the expectations of those around us and we begin to link success with external validation and approval.

It is a term called “premature identity foreclosure” where you narrow down your vision for life - what you should think, feel and do in order to be “happy”, “successful”, “worthy” or whatever other concept you are chasing. You learn your part and you play it well. You overvalue things that others have told you to and try to ignore what feels resonant with you. Why? Because the idea of detaching from that, questioning the norm or establishing your own definitions of these values feels synonymous with isolation and the fear of being ostracized.

In my case, this led me to overvalue a tainted definition of beauty and success, harmony and connection (particularly family). I feared conflict or a difference of opinion. I went along with what everyone else wanted or would sacrifice myself in order to maintain a sense of harmony and peace. I thought connection was about having more people in your life who had power or status so that I could be more secure. I assumed I needed to be thin, “healthy” (which I now know was definitely not), and to be at the top of any curve no matter the cost to my health and well-being.

The problem?

Those values were all informed by my interpretation of the world around me and what I saw as necessary to maintain connection. But none of that was really me. Sure, I value connection, health and success…but with wayyyy different definitions than those actions suggested. I let people treat me in terrible ways because my values suggested I needed to which only colluded with my shame and core beliefs that without this, I was not worthy of connection or love.

Was I actually happy? No. Did it lead me to success? Sometimes, but with a really high investment of f*cks and often at a huge loss in my ROI. Was I “beautiful”? Superficially. I lived inside of the ideals our culture perpetuates about beauty but everything about who I had become was far from it. The thoughts, feelings and actions that went along with it was not worth it and the deeper I went, the more I lost myself.

Can I do anything about that now?

Yes. AND, it takes time, patience and self-compassion. When I first started to think about how my values had been shaped and tainted, I had a hard time not feeling judgment and a shit-ton of negative self-talk. Why didn’t I see this sooner? How could I let this happen? I was such a terrible person.

How was that helpful to me?

It wasn’t. But if you think about it, it is a really smart move by shame to get you to stay in your predictable shittyness and assume that the only option you have is to keep enacting this f*cked up performance version of yourself to stay afloat.

So, what actually helps?

1. Take time to explore your values and actually get clear on who and what informs them. Ask yourself what you truly believe versus what you have been told to believe. And check in with how many f*cks you have been giving different values throughout your life.

2. Make space for forgiveness and compassion — not just for yourself but for others, too. It is not easy to slow down and turn inward, hence the reason so many of us feel stuck inside the realm of “predictable shittyness”. Forgive and let go of resentment for your family, friends, community and yourself and instead, think about how you can find understanding and compassion to rebuild yourself on new foundation points. People exist in what they know and fear is a powerful tool. Walking through it requires a lot from us.

From there, it is about routinely checking in with what thoughts, feelings and actions align with your values and how to use these anchor points to determine how you spend your time, money and energy — trust me, your f*cks investment portfolio will become incredibly diversified and expansive the more you can do this.

And remember, it is about growing in your abundance at a slow and steady pace. If you have only ever tied your shows one way or taken the same route to work, it will be hard for your brain to feel comfortable doing something different. Now multiply that feeling a thousand-fold. Remember what I said, values drive our actions, relationships, thoughts and feelings. If we are trying to rewire our whole system, it won’t be as easy as moving from bunny ears to the loop-swoop-and-pull technique.

But I care what people think?

Of course, you do. We all do — no matter what anyone says. We all fear judgment. We all fear disconnection. We are meant to because we require security and connection to thrive in life.

The problem is not that we care but the amount of f*cks — time, money and energy — we invest in those thoughts and fears. Remember, we only have so many to give every day and if we give them all to these thoughts, we lose out on a lot of other opportunities in life.

Need to reassess how you are spending your f*cks? Check out my blog post that broke down a super helpful exercise to clarify this point.

I can care about being seen as a good person or having worth and value but do I sacrifice myself in order to secure it? And how much weight do I want to give a subjective assessment? When I get overwhelmed with those feelings of wanting to be liked or valued or labeled in some way, I ask myself a few key questions:

• What difference does it make if this person thinks I am ‘X’? What would change about me if they didn’t?

• Is this person someone I trust?

• Do I like this person enough I would take them out to dinner? No??? Then why am I spending this many f*cks on them?

• How am I letting my fears maximize the reality of this experience? Could I be giving this interaction/assessment/experience more power than it ultimately holds in my life?

• What am I worried about will happen if this person does not like me? (And then I ask myself…”and then what…” over and over again until I get to the bottom of it) Is that a likely reality?

Like what you read? Have an “aha” moment? Comment below so we can keep exploring, growing and evolving together!