My mind has been consumed lately with all of the ideas, wants, pressures that are coursing through me.  Wrought with ideas, my brain is trying to reconcile all I want to do, all I have not done and all of the things I did and no longer want or need in my life. It’s as if someone dumped a thousand ping pong balls in my head then turned on a fan to watch them all zoom through my brain space. 

I have been overwhelmed before. You’ve likely heard me talk about it (self-disclosure is one of my key factors in my work and brand). I think that is just part of the human condition — to ebb and flow from feelings of overwhelm to nothingness. But this feels different. It’s like I am on the crux of something great but it is hard to trust the process without rushing it. I am getting clearer on my vision for the professional life I want and feel pulled to lead but with that greater clarity comes both eagerness and urgency (which you can understand can often be difficult to differentiate from one another).

Time is a curse. 

It is the only non-renewable resource in our lives (yes, I understand there are other non-renewable resources in the world but we are talking about my resources as an individual). Of the 3 main resources we hold — time, money and energy — time is the only one that, when spent, is non-refundable. I cannot take back the years I spent deep in the trenches of my eating disorder or staying in relationships far after they had reached their expiration. I cannot go back and rewrite my narrative to say “what I wish I would have said” or “done the things I wanted to do.” Those choices are forever a part of my story. And, for the most part, I am okay with this. I feel like my story has depth and character. I have learned, grown and evolved through each of these experiences and I think that who I am today is largely based on all I have endured. 

But, for some reason, one of the things that has become difficult for me to reconcile is where I have yet to go — how I will spend my future time coins — and the desire to get there more quickly. Especially when it comes to my professional life. This year has been one of deep reflection — yes, the pandemic has been a part of it but mostly the introduction of a new role of motherhood. Quite literally, my availability of time to “spend” each day on these various goals and dreams has been allocated to this scary, and yet awesome new role and to our beautiful baby girl. And, again, for the most part, I am okay with it. I mean, I can’t honestly say I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sometimes, the thought is definitely there (and anyone with kids who says otherwise I call BS). It’s more that the benefits of this reallocation rank higher than the pitfalls. But I don’t think my head has fully caught up with my heart yet. See, my heart loves being able to spend an afternoon playing with her or snuggling up and reading books. But sometimes my head is looking at the clock, thinking about everything I want to try and get done during her next nap. And after minutes and hours of swirling thoughts and pressured ideas, her nap times often get consumed by all of the stuff that doesn’t actually matter because I feel too overwhelmed or decision fatigued to do anything else. I then find myself in this state of quiet chaos. Still in my body, my head is buzzing. 

Why? Where do I have to go right now? Why do I feel so strongly that I have to get there now?

Honestly, the answer to most of these questions has to do with my core belief that I am unworthy. Decades of shame has encrusted itself around this belief and given me all sorts of rules and pressures of the ways I need to be, act, speak, etc in order to hide this reality and from being “found out”. And so, I worry that if I am not constantly pushing out new content, I will be forgotten. I worry that  as I continue to redefine and gain greater clarity in my business and brand that I will lose “followers” or support. I worry that I will create what I want and then be “unsuccessful” in whatever way shame has defined it to mean/be. I worry about taking the time “off” while my business and brand stays out here, hanging in the balance. Almost like the fear anyone with a gap of work or education history on their resume feels when going in to an interview, I fear that I have to explain myself and continue to provide something “in the mean time” even though that something is less life-changing and empowering and ultimately keeps me from doing the things I want to do. 

But if I do not lean in and trust the process, I am only living in my shame. I would just be resigning myself to a life on the conveyor belt. Yes, perhaps a bit more of an adventurous and colorful conveyor belt than the one I had first been put on but a conveyor belt nonetheless.

Can I learn to slow down?

I am reminded of the importance of riding this wave the more time I spend with Everly. She is doing this super funky inch worm thing lately where she pushes up in almost a down dog position then moves her feet forward, drops her top half to the floor then inches forward. You should see the determination in her to get across the floor when she wants something. At first, I just wanted to help her start to understand the mechanics of crawling. Not only would it be easier but it would require way less face planting onto the ground which would probably make the experience a lot frustrating and painful. 

But then I paused and thought about what was drawing me to help her get there faster. This is not my journey but hers. She will figure it out. I mean, a few months ago she couldn’t do anything but lay on her back and move what I dont think she even knew was her hand. And now, look at her. She is truly amazing. And she is taking each new element of her development quite literally one baby step at a time. 

And what’s more amazing is that she is doing this for no one else but her. She isn’t paying attention to anyone else’s pace or comparing herself to the other babies in the world. She is just showing up to her life, every day, and doing her thing. Is her success as a baby defined by how fast or slow she does these various tasks? Well, I guess in some ways, maybe. If she was 4 and not yet crawling there may be some developmental concerns. But that is a little off base. Moreso, I mean, do I love her any less if she takes her time? No. Is she less worthy or valuable as a human if she doesn’t meet a milestone at a particular time? No. 

She is meant to live a life at a pace that works for her and is not required to be on anyone’s conveyor belt in order to feel worthy and loved. 

And so, I am going to really focus my energy right now on trying to be more like Everly. To dare to take the steps I need and want at the pace that feels right for me. To love every minute I could be doing “X” but decide to sit and giggle with her. 

My head and heart have no shortage of ideas and pursuits. Trust me, what I see my future self being able to do and offer is amazing and I truly believe can help so many more people to be the change they want to be in their own lives and to feel empowered to live a life they are excited about. This will happen. In time. For now, I am going to work on creating and designing amidst cuddling, laughing and reading. I am going to spend my time living and truly embodying all that I need and want to be and to give others the space to do more of in their own lives. For things will happen at the pace they are meant to. My passions will see to this. My drive and dreams will fuel me much more than urgency and the push for productivity will. 

I can’t wait to share more with you as things begin to come together and unravel. Major changes will continue to evolve. For now, I am excited to keep being with you as I am able and am going to lean in and trust that my shame, like yours, I am sure, is a bitch and that I will continue to hold inherent worth and value in this world and for others even if I am hitting the pause button for awhile.