Last week I had the opportunity to spend time with a dear friend and colleague — yay for vaccines and the opportunity to see people again in a safe way!

But interestingly, leading up to that day, I had a mix of emotions rumbling around in my brain. I was excited to see her, absolutely, but I was also anxious about taking time away from where I “could” be working. One of the gifts of COVID for many of us is that invitation from our shame to go deeper into the should bank and really squeeze every ounce of the “you should be more productive” account.

I thought about canceling a bunch of times. Not because I wanted to but because a major part of my brain thought I had to. But the more I took time to get clear on the roots of these thoughts, the more I was able to decipher the voice behind the pressure; Shame and guilt. It’s wasn’t just one person or situation but a culmination of experiences and situations where I felt like my worth was dependent on how much I did and what successes I achieved. Situations, where fun didn't translate into social capital, felt irrelevant.

How sad is that? To live in a brain that has internalized messages that engaging in social joy brings you no social capital?

Well, we have all been here. We have all kept ourselves from what we want to do in order to do something we feel like we have to do. The trick is knowing when that is a lot of BS or not. I went out hiking that day and it was an amazing day. We had so much fun and I was truly in the moment. And did I miss out on anything? Absolutely. No matter what I would have said “yes” to — working, spending time with my friend, or any of the other invitations vying for my time — I am always saying “no” to something else. But the question, really, should be, do I — not my shame but I — really care?

How often are we investing our f*cks in doing what shame tells us to do rather than honoring what we truly want and need?

How many times do you say "no" to something because you feel like you don't deserve to take a break?

What is something you have been wanting to do but told yourself you "shouldn't"? What can you do to let that thought go?