We spend too much time giving ourselves to everyone else — becoming who we think we have to be in order to be liked, accepted, and to belong. Why? The fear of not belonging. The fear that we will not be accepted unless we conform to the world around us. This is the mark of shame. This is the root of how shame gets its power - making us believe that we, alone, are not good enough and so have to assume a new identity or character to play throughout our lives.

Does it work?

For a little while. I am sure we can all remember a time we bought, wore, said, or did something purely because it was what we thought or knew the group wanted. And it was celebrated. But over time, this becomes increasingly more disruptive as there is an inevitable rub that we experience internally that leads us to feel at odds with how we are acting versus who we are. Over time, this discomfort grows deeper and causes a disconnection from the self so as to protect the performance self that shame has worked hard to perfect.

But here is the rub.

The only relationship that we will have our whole lives is the one we have with ourselves. And usually, the people we are trying to impress or fit in with either:

1. Do not actually add that much value to our lives as a whole

   OR

2. Would likely welcome the opportunity to meet and connect with our true selves.

The more we allow that version of ourselves to be seen, the more we reinforce that this version — our true self — is deserving and valuable. Now, do not get me wrong. You will not be liked by everyone. But neither was your performance self. So instead, let’s figure out how to grieve that fact and move on to build a relationship with ourselves founded on our values and ideals that can extend into our connection with others.