For years, I had been under the control of an insidious eating disorder making me see food as the enemy and my body as the war zone. I would count every calorie I ingested. I loved to cook but would never taste the food when I made it because I feared that I could not accurately count the calories and factor them into my day. I would plan out every item of food I ate and spontaneity felt like a grenade thrown at me, making me implode from the anxiety and distress it caused. I would body check before, during, and after every meal. I restricted. I binged. I compensated. I lived every waking moment in self-loathing.

My eating disorder had made me fear food. 

It told me that how I looked was directly correlated to my worth and value and that if I gained weight or ate "bad" foods, then no one would want to be with me - my friends, family, partner...etc. 

The worst part was how much this was reinforced by the world around me. The diet and fitness industries are truly evil geniuses, preying on the victims of disordered eating, shame, and negative body image and self-esteem. And people celebrated me for my disorder* and its the ability to make me look more “ideal” saying things like, “I wish I looked like that” or “If I had your body…”. Sure, it may be unknowingly, but every time someone would tell me how good I looked, every time I would get a free drink, every time I got a pass on something I knew I shouldn't, my eating disorder would quietly sit in the background, whispering, "See, I told you."

But over time, I grew to see through my eating disorder. I understood that while it told me it was trying to help me, its ultimate goal was to kill me. This was not unique to me. This is true of all eating disorders - no matter how they show up, the effect it has on your body or appearance, what they make you believe or do, and how much they make you feel 'in control" or better, they are trying to kill you.

See, food is not the enemy. 

Food is fuel. Food is connection. Food is joy. Food brings people together, it connects us to those around us and to ourselves. Food allows me to have the strength to pick up my daughter every day. Food allows me to bond with new people and explore other cultures and communities. Food allows my husband and I to bond while creating something and sharing that creation together.

It took me almost a decade, but I see now that food is my friend. Food is not only necessary but it's a wonderful addition to my life. And once I welcomed it back in, I could also find the strength to break up with my eating disorder.

If you have found yourself in those same dark and exhausting spaces, I promise you, food is not the enemy. You can exist without your eating disorder. The first step towards making that switch is to start talking about it. Find someone**. A loved one, a professional, a peer...just start talking and help bring light to a disease that can only live in the shadows of silence.

*Every eating disorder experience is different. Some eating disorders have vastly different effects on the body - both internally and in regards to physical appearance. I cannot speak to the experience of others and how lonely they have felt in their eating disorder. I also want to point out that as a white-presenting, cis-gender female, the interpretation of my experience and presentation of my body was perceived through a biased light both while in the midst of and in recovery from my eating disorder. People of color, non-cis gendered humans, males, older people, etc can often be dismissed as having any concerns with an eating disorder or body image distress. This also occurs when someone is in a bigger body or is perceived to be/act/eat “just fine”. Please see this post as my own reflection of my experience and recovery but know that your story and every other story is equally important and valid no matter what it has looked and felt like.

**I am a licensed therapist who specializes in the treatment of eating disorders. If I can help be a support in some way - either directly or indirectly - please let me know!