It’s such a weird question to think about and yet, for many of us, the answer is not clear. How many of you would be willing to hand over your devices for a month? How many of you would commit to no social media for a week? Or feel like you could function without access to your phone for the day?

While we would all wish we could raise our hands, knowing it is the “healthy” or “better” choice, most of us would keep our hands down for this poll. And even some of you saying, “well, yeah I would do that, no problem,” I call bullshit. Why?

Because we all feel that pressure to be the ones “above it all”. No one wants to admit they check their email or Instagram dozens of times a day or that they need their phones for directions, contact information, weather updates, managing their schedule…and, oh, the list continues. We fear the inevitable truth that exists purely through our avoidance and the perpetual blame of social media as a “young persons’ problem”.

Guess what? It isn’t. It’s an everyone problem. According to recent research through the PEW institute, over 223 million Americans are using social media and if you are reading this, I guarantee you fall into that bucket. We are all increasingly dependent on and enslaved to our tech devices.

“So are you saying we should all just abandon technology?”

Far from it actually. In fact, I think there are a lot of positive contributions technology and social media can add to our lives. I just think we need to be sure we all take time to reflect on our real relationship with social media, technology and our devices and be sure that the choices we are making are not leading to isolation, depression, anxiety, the fear of missing out, poor sleep quality and the countless other problems associated with its use. Making an informed decision and setting the limits and boundaries we want to exist within is key.

It’s like getting a new dog or having a baby. If you let them, they will run the household. You have to train them and nurture them to fit into and be a part of (albeit a big part in the case of a baby) your life rather than allow them to consume it. Technology is just a really big baby.

“Why are we talking about social media — this seems a bit outside of your wheelhouse?”

Unfortunately, social media has bust into my wheelhouse and become a very prominent point at which I have to look. Research shows that social media has led to an increase in anxiety disorders, depression, body image distress and disordered eating, self harm and extreme isolation. Whether I want to address it or not is no longer the question. Instead, it is about finding the best ways to address it and to work with it rather than in opposition as, let’s face it, it is not going anywhere.

What are the risk factors associated with social media use?

The two biggest risk factors associated with negative outcomes and social media use include time engaging and number of times logging on to social media. As such, we cannot follow the logic of “I hardly spend any time on social media” because even logging in or checking your notifications multiple times a day puts you at greater risk for these negative effects. Therefore, the more access points to and time you spend on social media, the higher likelihood you will experience some of the symptoms I mentioned above.

Additional concerns I have and often focus on with patients include the lack of any filter or regulation put on the information posted and shared through these free content sites — which has been made worse by all of the new information coming out about targeting and manipulation of information as political, marketing and engagement strategies. We have no way of truly verifying our sources and even from reputable organizations, this information may be skewed or they may be using marketing tactics to only show the information they want us to see or read.

Furthermore, much of the information “lying in wait” on the internet preys on anxiety, depression, loneliness and hopelessness. From strategies for suicide, eating disorder behaviors and weight loss, self harm and more, people can access this information on the internet — even, in some cases, directly on social media platforms. Plus, the inability to regulate profiles makes it difficult to know who is posting information, with what authority and the effect it is having on their viewers.

Is it an addiction?

Yes. In fact, engaging with social media and other digital platforms has actually been shown to have significant effects on neuroplasticity (changing the brains shape and general activity) as it can attune the brain to see visual stimuli and quantitative data such as likes or engagement on one’s post and stimulate the brain’s reward center. This causes a dopamine release which strengthens the brain’s connection to this experience and makes you want to repeat the behavior.

Interestingly though, most experiences on social media are inherently negative — reading news articles, finding ourselves stuck in a state of comparison or self loathing, feeling more isolated or disconnected. And yet, we continue to engage with the platform. Why? Because, similar to other addictions, the brain is always seeking out the “high” we have achieved in the past. Oh and side note, this is done on purpose. The algorithms set up on social media newsfeeds are designed to keep you engaged on their platform longer. If you got your “reward” right away, you would not stay on them — I know, it’s gross to think about isn’t it!

This is made worse by what is called Intermittent Reinforcement or when a reward is given for a behavior on an inconsistent and unpredictable basis. We never know when we will have a positive experience on social media — when a post we share will be liked or noticed at a higher volume or when we will get that “return” on our investment to the same degree (or, ideally higher) as before. This keeps us chasing that feeling because our brain believes “it happened once so it can happen again”. This is the same phenomenon that leads to gambling addiction, substance abuse and causes interpersonal relationship issues, particularly in instances of abuse and neglect.

What are the real problems associated with it?

While there are many emerging concerns about the impact of social media, I want to focus on 4 I see as underlying or causing the biggest threat right now:

Personality Disintegration. There is a term called “Upward Social Comparison” which essentially means we compare ourselves to people whom we perceive to be better than or above us. This leads us to try and perfect the image we put out on social media in order to try and uplevel our own standing and secure our “place”.

This happens not only on personal pages but even with business profiles — and to a degree, I can understand it. We don’t need to be posting every detail of our lives or telling people about the intimate details of our hardships and shame.

However, the selective filtering and portrayal of an “incomplete profile” often contributes to what is called “personality disintegration” or the disconnection from one’s true self as we move to maintain the image(s) set forth on various platforms. This means that we work to perpetuate our “character” or “profile” to the highest level and at the detriment of investing in ourselves. Think about it. How many of you have posted photos making faces you would never make “in real life” or from angles no one ever looks at you from (the top down/forehead angle for example)? How many of you have posted about an experience or event and elaborated on it to make it sound even better? Taken photos that suggest a different experience than the reality? Or felt the pressure to keep up with your image while neglecting to check in with yourself? I, myself, have done almost all of these. Not by choice but out of the driving force of shame and feeling of desperation. Essentially, it is like playing King of the Hill every day for the rest of your life and feeling like you have to maintain a sense of superiority and relevance to stay valid.

Declining social skills and distress tolerance. This sense of hyper-connectivity to the world creates a sense of severe and persistent FOMO (fear of missing out) and requires a constant energy input. This leads to anxiety and fears of loneliness as well as can create a false sense of connection and misconception of belonging. It leads us to focus on the number of likes, friends, responses, etc. rather than creating depth in relationships. It has also led to many of us — again, no not yet just kids — to struggle with in person conversations, particular in times of conflict. We turn to text, email or a Facebook message rather than a phone call or a meeting which again, contributes to the ability to put out the “ideal” or perfect response versus having to engage in the vulnerability risk-taking in real life conversation.

Increase in eating disorders, disordered eating and body image distress. Research has shown that social media has brought the largest wave of body image distress we have yet to have seen. With the increased ability for that “Upward Social Comparison” we are constantly faced with people who are healthier, fitter, thinner, prettier, more masculine, more muscular…and the list goes on. We are bombarded with images of people we perceive as living a life of glamour and who seem to have it all figured out. The problem is that we are comparing ourselves against unrealistic, filtered, mostly curated and edited versions of reality. But our brain cannot see that. Our brain, remember, is dealing with the overwhelm of negative core beliefs, distorted ways of thinking, negative self talk and so much more. It does not have the capacity to slow down and remind you these images are fake. Instead, you see them as the vision to aspire to and either engage in unhelpful thinking patterns and behaviors that in many cases can be dangerous or at the very least, unhealthy OR you assume you will always be “less” and allow the voices of your shame and negative self-talk consume you.

Increase in diagnosed mental health disorders, suicide attempts and self harm issues. The complications of the above 3 issues in addition to the risk factors detailed above are all linked to a greater risk for various mental health disorders or at the least, mental health distress. Fear, anxiety, isolation, disconnection, and so much more can overtake our experience on the internet and particularly with social media if we allow it. How can we be so sure? Check out this study showing how limiting time on social media can decrease signs on loneliness and depression.

So with all of that, is there anything good about social media?

Absolutely! This is “where the rub” comes in, so to speak! Social media has allowed the advancement of advocacy initiatives, the ability to further the reach of grassroots efforts and organizations, allowed people to connect with others around the world and even can help in some instances with medical care (see the new Netflix documentary, Diagnosis). For me, personally, it has allowed me to connect with people around the world, get feedback and support for the work I am doing while offering my expertise to others and provide tools and resources to people struggling with various issues and concerns. I have raised awareness for efforts I am leading or am involved in with minimizing body shame and the #ReclaimBeauty Project, learned new ways to develop my business/brand and found communities to connect to after moving across the country.

We have seen how it has helped save lives in the case of natural disasters and has support tools built in to many of the platforms for people to mark themselves safe in an incident/disaster or for people with severe mental health distress to get support and intervention.

I have a client who was able to connect with people around the country who left the Witnesses after she left and was able to gain support and connection during a time of extreme isolation and trauma. I have a friend who was able to grow her entire business using nothing but social media to leverage her message. And one of my patients has found social media accounts like @jameelajamilofficial who runs a subsequent account, @i_weigh focused on radical inclusivity and identifies as the “destroyer of diet culture” to help her in managing her own body image distress and eating disorder recovery.

There is no shortage of good, or at least potential for good. We just have to rewire our brain to seek it out and leverage our connection to social media in ways to amplify the life we lead rather than disconnect us from it, becoming a shell of ourselves, simply existing in the interwebs (very technical term, I know).

How can we continue to leverage social media for all of it’s positive points without perpetuating the addiction or succumbing to the threats it holds?

Well, like me, you are not going to change your relationship with social media over night. Even further, you may have finished this whole article with your brain still telling you that none of this applies to you but you want to be sure you can help “others know the dangers if they are not careful”. Hey, I did it. I told myself I was “not as bad” as others for a long time. But see, the comparison game really has no place here. The point is, instead to reflect internally and ask yourself:

1. Am I okay with the role social media is playing in my life?

2. How many f*cks am I investing in it and what is my ROI?

3. Could I imagine any positive change if I engaged less on social media?

And since all of us can answer yes to at least one of these questions, I am going to give you just 5 short and simple tips you can start enacting right now to help make the changes you want to live a life you are can connect to.

• Set limits. This can include limits of how much time a day you will spend on social, where you can access it (for example, do you need to have the app for every social media account on your phone?), or even times of day you will not go on it. For example, I have set limits for myself that I cannot go on any social media accounts in my bedroom (at all — morning or night) or within an hour before bed.

  Another thing I have done, from a business standpoint, is to use a 3rd Party platform to write all of my social media posts. I do everything through Hootsuite so that I can create content for the week in one sitting and without going on the actual sites themselves.

  Wherever you are starting from, ask yourself what a 5% change would look like. Maybe it’s not looking at your phone during meals or when you are waiting for an elevator. Maybe it is deleting an app from your home screen. It does not have to be all or nothing. Just a small, incremental change the moves in the direction you want.

• Turn off alerts and notifications for apps that come through via email, text or on your phone. Every time we get a notification — ping, ding, buzz, chirp or whatever other stupid 4-letter word you want to use to describe it — we are instantly pulled from what we are doing and get sucked in to the notification. Even if we don’t do anything with it once we see it, we have disconnected from whoever or whatever we are doing and will not be able to jump back in right away. Did you really have to get that notification right then? What would be the worst that would happen if you didn’t reply right away or weren’t immediately available on someone else’s schedule?

  I used to tell myself it was to keep my business response ratings up. See, the genius of social media is it has all of these urgency plans built right in to keep you consumed with pressure. But honestly, I am a one-person business. If I am accessible all of the time that sends the wrong message about how I invest my time and also seems pretty unrealistic. And so, even though I didn’t want to, I have turned off all notifications so I can only see activity if I go in to the app or log on AND have deleted the Facebook app from my phone so I can only log in from my computer versus mindlessly scrolling through when I am bored or without having to sit down, type in the address and intentionally go to the site.

• Build a mindfulness practice. Social media fills the void of silence and nothingness. It preys on our anxiety of sitting without something to occupy our brain as too many of us are worried about where it would wander to. So, instead, this bright neon sign says “Click me”. By working on bringing more intention to your everyday life, you can begin to disentangle the hold social media has on you in those moments of nothingness. Learn to sit in it. Learn to have a “free moment” and over time, you will naturally seek out those distractions less and less.

• Unfollow unhealthy accounts AND anyone you are friends with on social media whom you wouldn’t pay to take out to lunch. The first part essentially means to unfollow anyone who triggers you, promotes content or ideas that is hurtful or harmful to you or others and can contribute to those negative consequences we discussed above. No, this does not mean I am suggesting you unfollow everyone with a different opinion or belief. That does nothing but keep us isolated only to the information that serves us and perpetuates one narrative. Instead, for example, when I had a friend posting photos of her body all of the time at the gym or her food with nutrition specifics, before and after body shots, etc. I had to unfollow it not only because it was triggering for me but because I couldn’t support the effect I know that this had/has on the people I work with everyday in my job.

  The second part is using the same strategy I used to decide whether or not I wanted to invite someone to my wedding. Do I like this person enough I would buy them lunch? No? Then why would I invite them to my wedding? Now, apply it to your social media relationships. Do I like this person enough to buy them lunch? No? Then why am I giving them space in my brain pond for me to compare myself to or spend time and energy on? These resources are way more finite than lunch money so we need to be even more critical in thinking about where and with who we spend them.

• Before you make a post, ask yourself “What is my intention?” and “How could this impact the people around me?”. I like to think about how any post I make connects to my values and my mission and brand — both personally and professionally. Everything I am putting out in the world is a contribution with a net negative, neutral or positive impact. Whenever I am going to make a post, I ask myself if this is coming from my values or from my ego. Is it to collude with the performance me I am fighting against or is it truly something I connect to and want to share with others? For you, think about your “why” as well as the ability to effect the overall impact of social media. Don’t be a part of the problem. Enhance the system by making a contribution that leads to a net positive effect on the world around you.

• BONUS: Watch “The American Meme” on Netflix and challenge your brain’s perception of celebrity, connection and glamour through the lens of social media.

And most importantly, see this as an opportunity to get curious about and learn more of the role social media has in your life. Judgment has no place here. It does not matter where you are starting from. I am purely inviting you to maintain a sense of choice and autonomy in a setting many of us lose it.