Enough with the boot straps. Can we dare to NOT be fine?

We are constantly forcing ourselves to "get over it."

We fear conflict and challenging conversations to the point we bury our feelings inside until we either explode or become so detached and resentful we no longer engage meaningfully in our relationships.

Why do we do it? The short answer, it's easier...in the moment, anyway.

• Why would you talk to your partner about how dismissed and hurt you feel when you can just pretend it's fine and "get over it"?

• Why would you tell your friend they hurt your feelings the last time you were together and it is still sitting with you? It's so much better to exert the endless energy to shove it deep down below, isn't it?

• Why would you tell your boss you're feeling unappreciated and underpaid when you can just keep making shit money doing 10X your job description? At least you have a job.

We constantly sacrifice our wants and needs to ease tension.

We equate conflict with unhealthy relationships or with being "dramatic" or selfish. We have developed a deeply entrenched system of beliefs that tell us our job is to cause as few waves as possible and to just keep "taking it" and holding a smile on our faces.

• You don't want to be seen as dramatic, do you?

• Wouldn't you rather have shitty relationships than none at all?

• You should be grateful for what you do have, right?

This list of ridiculous beliefs is endless and, unfortunately, traps so many of us in a lifetime of repression and stagnancy. Now, the trick is not to beat yourself up for doing what has been ingrained and feels natural or better for you, especially in a culture that touts the "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps mentality".

Instead, let's take the opportunity to start doing something about it.

Resolution, honesty and forgiveness are the antidotes and are some of the more complex concepts in the human experience.

Why? Again, mainly because of the resistance I mentioned before, but also because some truly incorrect and shitty definitions about these concepts have been put out there.

So, let me start by defining these concepts as I have come to understand and integrate them into my life and work:

Resolution is the experience in which all parties feel they have been heard.

They may not have all gotten what they want. Disappointment may be -- and usually is -- present, but everything is on the table, and the outcome has factored all of this in.

Honesty is sharing your whole truth as and when necessary, naming your feelings and making your needs.

It requires the co-creation of a shared space of vulnerability and involves being honest with what you can and cannot take on or handle in a given situation or moment.

Forgiveness is about untethering yourself from the pain of your past, taking what you need and leaving the rest.

It is about grieving what has been done to or by you, acknowledging your feelings, and seeing that your story is about more than this experience, relationship, or incident.

Okay, so now that we have a shared understanding of these terms, what do we do?

• What thoughts and feelings do you feel less comfortable sharing? Why?

• Where did that fear or discomfort come from? What has happened when you shared these or let yourself experience these in the past?

• What is stopping you now?

  • What lingering resentments are you holding onto? Dig deep and scan everywhere. Remember, we hide them well because we don't want to see them, so they may be hard to find.

  • What has held you up in letting these go?

  • What have you told yourself you need to do to be able to do that (i.e. what feels "needed" to let them go)?

  • What would it mean if you couldn't get that? Does it serve you then to keep holding them?

• How have you personally thought about forgiveness? Might be a concept to explore more? As you look at your resentments again, remind yourself, it's not the same as justice, but where the problem lies is that repression and resentment or when it's ourselves, inevitably, shame leaves us feeling like justice can never be served. Let that go. It's never going to feel like enough. You've been holding onto them for so long.

• With whom can I work on being more honest? What would it look like? What holds me back?

• In terms of resolution and how it may relate to forgiveness, identify one area, event or person you were holding onto these feelings for (Again, this could be yourself). Reflect on the situation. What can be done about it? If necessary, has justice been served? Again, remember, justice is not just the legal system. Where does compassion need to come into play and what would you gain from resolution or forgiveness?

• What's one step you can take in the next two weeks to add to this?

FOR MORE ON THIS TOPIC, CHECK OUT THESE OTHER RESOURCES:

• Understand why the Addiction to Being Right is ultimately holding you back

• Watch this video that walks you through the process of forgiveness, breaking it down to allow you to move through each of the 4 phases of the process.

• Learn about the Levels of Forgiveness and the how to shift from external to internal motivation and change

• Learn what forgiveness is (and is not), dismantle the myths, and learn why it is a necessary process for you to heal and live your best life.

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