Have you ever stayed in a relationship — romantic or otherwise -- way past its expiration date? Ruminated on a thought that was no longer serving you? Held onto a belief or feeling because you felt scared to let it go?

Welcome to being human. 

We are all inundated with shame and fear motivating us to hold on to people, stories, and thoughts that are no longer (or never did) serve us. Why? Because the perpetual chase to be “enough” has become so externally motivated we become stuck in a web of distress and lies. 

We are afraid to let go of these things, even though they make us unhappy. 

Why? Because at least we understand how to exist in this life of “Predictable Sh*ttyness”. At least this makes sense, even if it is crappy. I think I will just stay here in what is comfortable rather than try for something else because it could be worse. 

What would be left? Would that version of us be worthy of love and connection? Would anyone choose us to be in our lives?

The problem with staying here, in the zone of predictable shittyness is that it simply acts as a strengthening agent to these narratives that we have existed in for far too long. It leads us to believe we are only worthy of connection or belonging if we succumb to the rules of our shame and staying here leads us to take a position of subservience to those around us. It perpetuates a performance and makes living a job rather than something we can show up to with authenticity.

What do we do? 

Take an inventory of all of the thoughts, stories/beliefs, and people in your life and ask yourself, and go through each and every one of them, diligently asking yourself, “how do they serve me?” What role is that thought playing in your mind? How does that person make you feel about yourself? What value do they add to your life? Are they someone you believe will show up for you when you need them -- and you for them?

How does it serve you to stay in touch with your friend from high school who always puts you down or seems to only care about gossip? What value are you getting in staying in a job that leaves you feeling anxious and overwhelmed and is constantly vying for the time you want to give to other parts of your life? How is it helping you to keep worrying about what you should have said when you were in that meeting six months ago? How does it serve you to keep beating yourself up about what you didn’t get done today rather than celebrate what you did do and who you are?

For most of these things, the answer will be...it's not. Now dare to dream about what life would be like if you could let these things go. What do you need in order to accomplish that? What will allow you to feel safe and supported? What role will your shame, fear, and negative self-talk play in trying to keep you from working through this and what can you do about it?