You’re being unreasonable with yourself.

Whenever I start working with a new client, I have the same conversation: how do we reframe your goals and expectations to support meaningful and sustainable change and growth. We cannot feel better right away - that is unrealistic and often unhelpful.

We often don't seek help until we are in a deep space of despair and anguish. We feel overwhelmed with pain and distress and long for a "fix" or solution to make everything better or resolved. We need to get back to riding ourselves into the ground so make this pain go away as quickly as possible - and with the least amount of time and effort. I often refer to this as the hunt for a "band-aid solution."

By doing this, we are setting avoidant goals, meaning, "I just want to be anywhere but here, so give me whatever you've got."

We believe we should be able to fix "it" — whatever "it" is — and that we just have to work harder to choose happiness (see my blog post on toxic positivity and why this is the least helpful solution in these moments).

We set impossible standards and then get upset when things don't happen as quickly as we think they should.

The anger is quickly overridden with shame. We did everything the Buzzfeed article said would help us feel more confident at work or the TikTok video said would make us feel less anxious. Why don't I feel better?

Meaningful change doesn't work this way.

It's a series of 1% changes that accumulate over time and with numerous setbacks and swerves along the way.

Change is a progressive erosion of maladaptive and shame-based thinking patterns that require us to generate insight before engaging in intentional action.

For decades, the stories that anchor us in unhappiness and disconnection have been there. They can't be rewritten in a day, a week, or in many cases, even a year or 2.

Change takes time. It means shifting our focus from output-driven to progress-driven living. We have to get clear on and dive deep into our pain before genuinely healing it. This means making more space for self-exploration and curiosity.

We must shift from "anywhere but here" thinking to defining where we want to go and who we want to be.

• What pressure have you been putting on yourself to be "further ahead" or to see changes in your life that might not be reasonable?

• What thoughts and internalized "rules" do you have to let go of to better make space for that self-nurturance, curiosity, and reflection needed to truly establish new connections and live a life you can thrive in?

Stop ascribing judgment to yourself for not "being better" after one therapy session or reading a few books.

Get clear on your actual problem:

• Where is the source of your pain and stuckness?

• How is it affecting you?

• What do you want to do about it -- and what are you willing to do about it?

• What do you need to make this change, and how will your life be different?

Now, focus your work on the next 1% change. What do you have to do to get to the next mile marker?

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