One of the cultural norms we saw exacerbated by the pandemic — and especially as we started to come out of it — is the overemphasis on and pressure to be positive.

You all remember those 2020 phrases:

"Oh, how wonderful you can be home and spend this time with your kids" or "It's so great how much more productive I can be now."

Don't get me wrong. We need to find joy and anchor on the positive aspects of our lives, especially during a crisis. But the pressure to be "fine" and have it together all of the time can lead to "toxic positivity."

WHAT IS "TOXIC POSITIVITY"?

It's the overemphasis and application of being happy and optimistic in our lives - like trying to cover a turd with rainbow glitter and pretend it isn’t still a turd. Sure, it may look nicer but nothing has actually changed. And while this can offer temporary relief — and is a great pocket tool for toddlers to help distract or change their focus — it’s incredibly ineffective when it comes to overall change, healing and connection.

WHY?

Because it denies the depth of human experience and the ebb and flow of emotions. It perpetuates the "Polyanna" vibe of blind optimism and pressures you to deny or minimize your feelings. This self-invalidation process is a fuel source for shame. It can lead to an even greater sense of judgment and internal conflict when maintaining this sense of outward optimism but feeling overwhelmed by anger, sadness, and resentment lying within.

Over time, this sentiment can extend outwards and into your relationships with others. We become intolerant to distress and use phrases like, "Look on the bright side," "It could be worse," "You don't realize how lucky you are," or "everything happens for a reason." We deny grief, sidestep the issues before us, and continue to further the "pull yourself up by your bootstrap mentality" by negating the right one has to feel down, stuck, and overwhelmed.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

We need to make space for both - feeling the pain and living beyond it. Remember, feelings are not an either/or — good or bad. They are a complex web of experiences and are each designed to ebb and flow in our lives.

The next time you hear yourself saying one of those key toxic positivity phrases - to yourself or someone else - try using a both/and statement. Hold the reality of things being hard and consider what you can and will do.

Ex. "Look on the bright side" could become, "I know things are hard right now. What is one thing we can do to help it feel less hard?"

Or

"Things happen for a reason." might become, "I am so sorry this is happening right now. What do you need?"

Or

"Think of all of the people who have it worse," could become, "I know it can feel hard to see your pain without judgment because you can feel like you 'should' be fine. And it is perfectly normal and reasonable to not be fine. It is not about comparing one's suffering to others or putting a smile on our face. It is about seeing the universal human experience that connects us in that we all suffer and we can work through our individual and collective pain together."

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PAIN.

Honestly, name it. When things are hard, let them be hard. Some things downright suck. It is both okay and necessary to make space for that. It does not mean it will consume you or that you will get stuck there. It also doesn’t mean you can’t be just as productive, successful or present in your life. You get to feel however you feel AND keep living your life. It’s just about integrating it all so you can live a full life not a performance based one. And once you learn how to do this, it will make finding gratitude and joy easier because it can be genuine and not forced or mixed up in a swirl of pretending.

Let us know in the comments what you are taking with you from this episode — perhaps even leave something here. A pressured thought or expectation, maybe?

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