Assertive communication has become one of my primary areas of focus as a speaker, trainer, therapist, and, well…person. Communication, in it of itself, is the lifeblood of all we do and who we are in life and yet, so many of us are existing in a life where we have never felt as though we have been given permission to or have the skills to know how to communicate effectively. And not only with others, but with ourselves.

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is about being able to communicate from a place of openness and honesty, making space for your thoughts and feelings to be heard while also holding space for others. It is about speaking from a place of respect and inclusion and is not about “one-upping” the other person or feeling a sense of competition between you. It is about speaking from a place free from shame, blame and judgment and maintaining boundaries of what is and is not within your scope of responsibility.

Are there other types of communication?

Absolutely. And most of us fall into 1 or more of these other categories.

Passive (P) communicators assume a role of subservience. They are “people-pleasers” or those who lose themselves in accommodating others. I think about this style of communication as one where we stand in the shadows to ensure there is light for others. This form of communication colludes with shame and leaves us feeling perpetually less than.

A passive-aggressive (PA) communication style is one in which you appear to be passive but use subtle, indirect and often anger-driven tactics to make others feel hurt or “less than”. My family has a 9th-degree black belt in PA communication. I think about it as being able to hold on to any tidbit of information and unleashing it whenever you need to take away someone’s power or assert more of your own. PA communicators often want to avoid conflict so they do not directly address the issues at hand but without resolve, these issues build pressure under the surface and erupt in ways that leave others “in the shadow”.

And aggressive (A) communicators are communicators who use shame and anger as their primary communication tools. They create shade for others and use these tools to try and force themselves more into the light. This is also rooted in shame and is usually from a need to push people away or try and obtain some position of power over others to feel more secure about themselves.

The best way I separate these three forms of communication from assertiveness is that these communication types are more reactive and emotion-driven whereas assertive communication is responsive and can make space to factor in feelings without letting them consume you or take over. Within these styles, we tend to mind-read, fortune tell, and assume a role of defense.

None of these types of communication are better or worse than each other. And to be clear, you likely do all 3 of these — I do. It is less about judging yourself for your communication style and more about recognizing it and seeing what you can learn from it.

What is the problem with being P, PA, or A?

It is important we make space to see that all of our coping skills work…for a period of time, anyways. We can’t just shit on all of these communication styles as all this does is create shame and judgment towards ourselves and others. Instead, let’s think about how these styles may limit you from creating a life that is not overrun by shame and negative core beliefs.

See, each of these 3 styles directly correlates with what has been deemed Shame Defenses or “Strategies for Disconnection”. That being said, each of these styles of communication ultimately leads to a greater sense of disconnection, as their purpose is to protect us from being abandoned or “seen” by prematurely putting distance between us and those around us.

Where does our communication style come from?

Like most things in life, we develop our communication style at a very early age — through both direct and indirect experiences. The influence of others’ communication styles, responses you received when trying out various types of communication and overall awareness of communication lays a clear foundation. This, then, becomes complicated by cultural norms and implicit biases, the context of our communication experiences and ultimately, our core beliefs. How “should” a woman talk? What perceptions do people have of someone who is in a bigger body? When have we been assertive but it has been perceived as aggressive? What tones do people associate with being angry, bossy, abrasive or scary?

What we see and experience leads us to develop response tactics and defenses to arm ourselves against potential threats in the future. And with shame as a guiding force in almost all we do, we are also trying to develop a style of communication that best protects us from being “found out” or abandoned.

What makes assertive communication so challenging?

The biggest barrier has to do with wiring. Our brain becomes hardwired to communicate and respond to the world in a certain way. Over time, the more fear, shame, bias and core beliefs influence our communication, the harder it is to interrupt the cycle and it becomes automatic.

Not to mention, change is hard. Not only because of the internal barriers — our brain — but because of the external barriers as well. People get used to us communicating in a certain way and changing our communication style can throw others off, especially if, in the past, they have benefited from your communication style.

Plus, assertive communication forces you to come face to face with ambiguity. At least with P, PA, or A communication we could anticipate the outcome. Now, the results are unknown and it is out of our control how others will respond — and we all know how much our fear brain loves that.

And finally, because it takes time. With so many of us wanting and expecting a quick fix, it becomes hard to trust that this will pay off in the long run — especially during those times of “transitional distress”.

So, why work on it?

Because it allows us to directly confront our shame narratives and process unresolved emotions and distress. We can see ourselves independent of others and root ourselves in our values, ideals and goals without succumbing to or defending against the beliefs or responses of others. We can speak from a place of openness without assuming someone else’s reaction, feelings, or needs and trust that they will communicate from their own space and place themselves.

And, well…because, whatever we have been doing is no longer serving us; and we owe it to ourselves to be seen, fully, and to hold space for others as well.

How can I make some shifts to become more assertive?

Remember, any sustainable change takes both insight and time. We must first learn more about our shame narratives and communication styles before we can enact long-lasting change. AND, while you are working on that larger component, here are a few small tips and tricks to help you move into becoming a more assertive communicator:

• Get to know your self-talk voice. Before we can work on how we communicate with others, we need to first learn how we communicate with ourselves. Take 5-10 minutes and write down all of the thoughts that have been running through your head today. What have you said to yourself when you looked in the mirror, left your meeting, checked your to-do list, etc? Now, read it. How many of your self-evaluations and thoughts are negative? And how many of them are opinions? If we talk down to and judge ourselves, it is going to affect the way we communicate with those around us.

• Use “I” Statements. I know this sounds corny but this is one of the best tools you can use — and one of the very few things from middle school I use on the regular. When we are communicating with someone else, we can only speak from our own perspectives — “When you did ‘X’, it made me feel ‘Y’”; “I felt like shit when you asked me to ‘X’”; or “I think ‘X’”. Phrases like “You did…” or “You made me feel…” give all of the power, blame and responsibility to the other person. We do not make space for intention AND perception and forgot to acknowledge both parties’ experiences. This is also true in instances where we let others speak for or over us.

  Speak from a place of what you know to be true for you and allow the possibility of a different narrative for the other party. This does not mean you are right or wrong, it just means we all experience interactions differently. We can both stand in the light without casting shadows on each other.

• Ask yourself, “Whose responsibility is this?”. Too often, we assume a responsibility for other people’s feelings, actions, and beliefs. We take on a role that is not ours and become resentful and overwhelmed. Check-in with what reactions, issues, feelings, behaviors or thoughts are your responsibility and relinquish the others.

  Sometimes, people are going to be upset about what we say — that does not mean we need to fix it. Sometimes, we are going to feel backed into a corner, bullied or like we have to take on the role of making others happy or to fix their pain — that does not mean it is helpful to do so or that we need to.

• Use the “And vs. But” technique. Many of you have heard me talk about this skill before — it is one of my best weapons against shame and conflict. It is important we make space for both parties and for all aspects of the story/conversation. As soon as we use the word “but”, we negate part of it - the other person, our feelings, our ask. Instead, replace “but” with “and”.

  “I know you did not intend to hurt my feeling when you said ‘X’, and it did.”

  “You have done really well this quarter working on your sales goals, and there are some opportunities to continue growing in the next quarter I am excited about.”

  It sounds simple and yet, it is one of the most effective techniques. Remove the emotional defenses and allow for both possibilities. Celebrate wins AND see opportunities for growth. Acknowledge intention AND hold space for perception/effect.

• “Act as if”. In Alcoholics Anonymous, they use the phrase, “Fake it till you make it” which is very similar to this therapeutic concept. Remember, it takes a long time for our brain to rewire itself to new communication styles or forms of interaction. And with shame and fear lurking at every corner, it is not an easy process. That being said, it will take a long time for you to establish and grow confidence in that skill, AND we don’t want to wait until that time to allow ourselves the opportunity to practice these skills. In this technique, your job is to play the role of someone who has no problem being assertive. “Act as if” you have done this before and you know it will go well. Assume an outcome and play the role as if it has already happened. This technique allows you to move from motivation to follow through without feeling overwhelmed by your thoughts and self-doubt.